Is it my "all or nothing" syndrome popping up again? I've been told by every therapist I've seen that I have it. Not sure what the technical diagnosis is, but it means either I do something all the way, or I don't do it at all. Anybody else like that? I call it being honest.
I don't know if this is a Fibromyalgia thing or not. I have learned by being in a support group that people with Fibromyalgia have a lot of strange similarities, like being clumsy, having depression, being anxious, etc. Things that you wouldn't necessarily relate to a physical illness.
Speaking of the support group, that's the reason I'm thinking of closing this blog. I thought I was writing it for others, but it seems like I was writing it for me. Once I started contributing to the support group, I stopped contributing to this blog, which tells me that my need to write and communicate and help others and be helped is being fulfilled by the support group.
It's not so easy to admit that.
I love to write, and I will definitely always find avenues to continue to write. But it feels like when I write this blog I'm complaining more than I'm helping. My goal was to keep this blog positive. The reality is that there are not that many positive things about Fibromyalgia to write about. There are some great people with Fibromyalgia who are continuing to live their lives, despite this thing, and that's positive. There is more awareness of Fibromyalgia due to the outcry of so many who are tired of being ignored, under diagnosed, despised, and misdiagnosed and that's positive. But we need to get beyond being aware of it, to taking some type of action, don't we?
The fact is having Fibromyalgia is not very exciting. My days are boring. I don't go too many places and I don't have many great adventures. There's one thing I hate is a boring writer, and I don't want to end up being one who sits around and complains to you about my boring life.
I think it is human nature to want to contribute something to this world while we are alive. When you have a disability, more times than not, your contribution is accepting someone else's help. I read and hear about great people with disabilities who climb mountains, swim oceans, manage companies. I think to myself, "Where do they get the energy?" I don't have that kind of energy. It's all I can do to survive the day sometimes.
I found a quote that I put at the bottom of my to do list every day:
"Accept, then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. This will miraculously transform your whole life."
Fighting Fibromyalgia doesn't work, so I'm trying to accept it. If I stop writing about it, can I accept it better? I can't imagine a healthy person choosing Fibromyalgia. If I act as though I've chosen Fibromyalgia, it will miraculously transform my whole life. Really? It's almost too much to think about. Is there anything worth choosing Fibromylagia for?
The only thing I can think of is the fact that I have learned total dependence on God for every moment of my life. Would I have learned this another way? Would I have learned patience another way? I've learned that my soul is more important than my body and I know that in my humility my name is written in God's book. So death is taken care of, but what about life?
My friend said to me today, "I wish I could stay at home so I could have more time." I think she sort of resented the fact that I stay home. Does she know what I do all day? I don't drive, I lay down or sit down more than anything. My cats are my closest friends because they live like me-resting under a blanket all day. I don't have hardly any time to do anything because when I finally feel good enough to do anything it's midnight and I'm supposed to try to sleep so I won't be so tired tomorrow. I can't eat what I want or wear what I want or go where I want, and after a while I don't want anymore.
See what I mean about trying to find something positive?
I feel like I'm fighting an invisible enemy, and writing to an invisible friend. A blog is a lonely stone's throw and maybe I will turn around and go home before I have a chance to see the ripples.
Well, guess I will do what I've learned-take it one day at a time, trust God, and see what happens.
Have a good night my invisible friend! Throw me a stone once in a while too!
"Accept, then act. Whatever the present moment contains, accept it as if you had chosen it. Always work with it, not against it. This will miraculously transform your whole life."--Eckhart Tolle
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