Losing Control

By Theresa Blume

Women love to have control.  Men love to be in control.  Whoever has control of the remote has control of the house! 

But seriously, I have worked hard to gain control over my life for a long time.  I was raised to respect authority, and took it to the extreme, in my young adult days, which turned out badly in my early adult years.  I met with abuse and people took advantage of me leaving me with zero self-esteem.  Then I met my husband, Danny who helped me understand that I could do anything I wanted to, and I learned that I was in charge of my life.  I became a strong woman, doing the shopping, paying the bills, making family decisions, cooking home-made meals, keeping a clean house, even having guests over.

My faith told me to surrender my will to God.  I didn't like the word "submissive" (especially to men!), but I gave God a little bit of my life.  I did what I thought I was supposed to do and tried my best to be faithful.  But I still ran my house with strength and confidence.

As Fibromyalgia became more and more severe, I had to give up a few things-like vacuuming, and then dishes, and sometimes even cooking on bad days.  Then I had to ask my husband to do some errands on his way home from work, and my daughter started doing the laundry.  I didn't want to do driving with taking medicine, so I started getting them to drive me.  I hated to admit that I needed help with Avon, but my customers are the best and pick up their orders, and sometimes I get helpers with big projects.
 
After getting our taxes done this year, I told my husband he is doing the bookwork because my brain doesn't focus on long-term things like it used to.  I give him papers that need filling out and even some phone calls about our bills or whatever. 

Losing control has not been an overnight process, but a slow subtle one.  At first it looks like help, and then it becomes a need.  I like to think of it as a choice to GIVE up control, but the reality is I don't have a choice. My choice would be that strong independent woman in my early days.  Instead of rebelling to being a submissive wife, I now treasure my husband for staying with me through sickness and health. 

I finally get the message about surrendering to God.  Because He is the One who gets me up in the morning, and gives me people who help me just at the right times.  God is the One whose in control of my life now.  At night I can't wait to do my Bible study because it gives me such comfort and hope and reasurrance.   
I have a lot more time to talk to Him now that I am not as mobile as I used to be.  I have to rest a lot, so I lie down and talk to Him.  I don't sleep too good at night, so I talk to Him in the odd hours of the night.  He's always there, 24-7, never too busy, never on hold. 

Losing Control has been a hard lesson of life, but it's also been a gift.  As my body gets weaker, my soul gets stronger, feeling the pull of my God, knowing someday I won't be confined in pain.  It doesn't matter if I have to be driven to an appointment or can't clean my house.  God loves me all the more and makes sure that whatever does matter gets done.  He doesn't see my pride that has fallen on the floor next to me.  He sees me whole and perfect, as His child.  I think by losing control I've gained something immeasureable and eternal.  And this time I didn't have to lose my self-esteem!


"The more we depend on God,
the more dependable we find He is."
—Cliff Richard