Bittersweet

It is New Year's Eve, and in a few hours it will be the first day of 2011.  Many people are out celebrating and bringing the new year in, and others are reflecting on the events of the past year.  I'm trying to do a little of both.  We got some favorite snacks and a couple movies and will quietly bring 2011 in with a glass of wine. 

This day is bittersweet for me.  My beloved father died one year ago on this day, in the late morning hour.  He was 82, but it was not expected.  He seemed in better health than me and many other people, old or young.  Every morning he did his stretches and went for a half mile walk.  He ate a nutritious breakfast of Oatmeal, took his vitamins, and then helped his son on the farm.  Truthfully, I don't even know what he died from because he just fell over and died.

This morning it was the first thing I thought of when I woke up.  Then as the day progressed, I found myself thinking what I was doing one year ago when I got the call....I had been resting in my chair with the heating pad and thinking about what I was going to buy for our usual New Year's Eve snacks.  I heard the phone ringing, but I didn't answer it because I was sort of dozing off, and my friends and family know that I don't answer the phone in the morning.

Pretty soon my son came down and handed me his cellphone.  He was home from college, and my brother had reached him on his cellphone.  He said, "Mom, you need to take this."

The first thing my brother asked was, "How are you feeling this morning?"  I told him I was fine.  Then he asked me if I was sitting down.  I told him I was, and asked why.  He said he didn't want to alarm me, which really alarmed me because when a person asks if you are sitting down, how good can it be?

I could tell he was stumbling for the right words.  Is there any good way to tell a person something like this?

I found out later that my brother (who is my closest friend in all the world) wanted to make sure that he was the one who told me because I have a history of depression, and he was afraid of what it would do to me if it didn't come out gentle.  As it turned out, I handled it well.  At first I didn't believe him and thought it was a joke.  But I couldn't think why he would tell a joke like this?  And then I asked if he had proof.  He said the coroner had been there and announced him dead.

I asked him what we were supposed to do.  And for once, my big brother had no answers.  Suddenly it hit me that I had to get to my mom's as fast as I could to help her.  Some type of instinct took over and I immediately forgot about myself and put all my focus on mom.  I guess we each have our way of coping, and this was mine.

I didn't really cry until months later in a therapist's office.  I don't think I even mourned Dad's death until then.  And I'm not sure I'm finished truthfully.  I think I may just be beginning to understand the reality of my father dying.

In another way, I'm not sure he will ever be dead to me.  I didn't see him die, and he was cremated right away, so I never saw his dead body.  So it's more like he is just gone somewhere.  And with my deep spirituality, I feel a link to his spirit.  I dream about him, and I pray with him every day.  My father and I understood each other after many years of hard work getting to know each other, and that understanding has not died.

Today, I wore some cross earrings to honor him, (He was a strict Catholic) and a green ring since green was our favorite color, and some very old special perfume that somehow seemed appropriate.  I talked to him in my thoughts, and I have no doubt that there is still communication between us in a different way.

My back hurts a little more today, and my eye kept dripping tears all day, and I'm not all that hungry for some reason either, but in my heart I know that Dad is OK, and I am OK too.

There's been some big changes with mom, and other things, and each situation must be approached carefully since this is all brand new.  There are new hurts, and new smiles, and new people.  There is new wisdom and new pain too.  Dad didn't like change.  But we all have to deal with it, one way or another.

I am grateful that I had my faith to help me with times like this, and I think Dad is in my heart, telling me how to go on.  After all, we have no choice but to do so.

So I raise my eyes to heaven and thank God for my tears because one thing I will always carry with me is my father's love.  For a daughter, that's the best gift he ever gave me.

Happy New Year friends.  May we take with us into 2011, the best of love.

"How we spend our days is, of course, how we spend our lives."... Annie Dillard
  

Encouragement

I've been thinking about how to encourage my fellow friends with Fibromyalgia.  (FWF)  It's not as easy as encouraging a person who doesn't have it and doesn't understand it because depression is one of the symptoms of Fibromyalgia.  In my experience, one of the reasons I get depressed is because I don't feel good, and I can't do the things I'd like to do.  But that's not the only reason for depression with people who have Fibromyalgia.  We don't know everything yet about it, and it's not known which came first, depression or Fibromyalgia.  It's sort of like the chicken and egg question.

In dealing with depression, you can't assume it's only a temporary symptom of Fibromyalgia.  There are many reasons for depression, including life experiences, seasonal effectiveness, and chemical imbalances, and this needs to be seriously addressed.  I learned a long time ago to leave certain things to the experts, and not make any judgements or give advice on depression.  All I can do is deal with my own emotional and physical status day by day.

Back to encouragement: 
I've had many people try to tell me how to deal with my situation, everything from change my diet, take a certain vitamin or health ingredient, take a walk, get more exercise, go to bed earlier, eliminate stress, lighten up, or change my attitude.  To me, these things are not encouraging, but discouraging because they tell me others do not understand what this is like.

What is encouraging is to acknowledge that my feelings are valid, and to be gentle with myself when I feel bad.  I know what is good for me.  I know what I'm supposed to do.  I wish I could exercise more, go to bed earlier, take the right vitamins, etc.  I wish I could change my thinking and change my life just like that. 

So how do I encourage you my FWF?  I encourage you to do what makes you happy, whenever you can.  Find a light hobby that won't make you hurt worse, and do it in small increments.  Enjoy every smile that you find, whether it is a kitten wrestling with some yarn, or an e-card sent by a friend, or a funny TV show.  Smell the roses, look at the stars, feel the breeze. 

I love taking pictures.  I love writing.  I love painting.  I may not be great at some things, but I am not in the business of being great at them.  I am in the business of living each moment of each day and encouraging others, and if I feel bad, I can't do that.  I can't fight the pain and fatigue sometimes, so I rest, or I let someone else help me find a smile.  I enjoy talking to others and listening to others, and I find it fasinating that people are so very different. 

Other things that make me smile: when someone gives me chocolate, pay day, Avon customer pick-up days, Christmas lights, a good dinner that I didn't cook, seeing a family member come home, seeing our dog get excited when I come home, a newborn foal struggle to get up for the first time, watching it snow, a sunny day, listening to the rain, holding a baby, hearing someone I love tell me they love me, getting my newspaper, kids being naturally happy, birds at the feeder, squirrels in the trees, rabbits, fall leaves changing color, seeing the first spring tulips, ...there are so many things to smile about!

I turn to my faith and spiritual studies to continue to learn, and I find some answers.  I certainly don't have all the answers, and I've learned to live with that.  I do have hope, and I think that is an excellent thing.  My hope is that maybe by my sharing with you, somehow it will help someone else.  And that makes me smile.

Fibro Fog

I found a quiet moment in this day and thought of all my friends who might be suffering right now after overdoing it so that everything is done for Christmas.  Because on holidays or any special events, that's what we do! 

My son and his girlfriend were here all day, and it was such a joy to have them here in the house.  But with them being here, I see even more that my brain doesn't work the way it used to.  I try not to think about it because what you think about makes it real, and I try very hard to stay positive, even when I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I have heard of the phrase "Fibro Fog", but until you experience it, you don't know what it is like because there is no way to describe it.  But I can tell you what it looks like.  I spilled a entire glass of soda because I couldn't find my regular glass with the wider bottom.  I feel more anxious because I don't know if I'm talking too much or not giving enough explanation.  People have to explain the same thing to you over and over because you don't get it.  Your memory gives out on you when you most need it.  I can talk a lot, but I can't remember certain words when I need them.  If I don't get my favorite chair to sit in, I'm disoriented.  You have to check a list to see if you have all the important things done.  I am indecisive about EVERYTHING.  You feel out of control over things that you used to be in control of.

I tell myself it is stress, or being tired, and it certainly could be.  I did not sleep last night at all.  I went to bed at 1:30, and tossed and turned-violently, until 3:45 when I gave up and went to my chair in the living room.  So maybe it is about stress and being tired, but I'm glad to have a name like Fibro Fog because it makes it simple and even funny.  And like all fog, at some point the sun will come out and it will dissipate for a while.
May your night be peaceful, comfortable, and full of love. 

Too Sensitive

I remember a moment in first grade when the teacher was talking to me about something at her desk.  The only part I really remember is her saying that I was too sensitive.  That seemed to be a pattern in my life.  I "felt" everything.  I was told to toughen up and not let things get to me, but that was my personality.

Too much sun gives me a headache, my hands hurt to the bone if they get the slightest cold, Iget sick in too much heat or too much activity.  I have a sensitive stomach.  I was even sensitive to other people's feelings who sat next to me.  I could "feel" their depression or excitement or whatever.  I have allergies to the point that I have to take medication daily, I have problems with dairy, and a doctor told me to mention to other doctors that I may not be allergic, but am more sensitive to side effects of new medications.   

Some people thought I had ESP or Telekinisis because I had so many problems around electricity, and watches and can openers.  Even the machine that checks your blood levels broke when I had my blood tested a few years ago.  I am very sensitive to weather, both physically and emotionally, and I am sensitive to animals and children, especially if they are in pain.
 
I bring this odd thing up because maybe it has something to do with Fibromyalgia.  I have hearing problems, so it's possible that my other senses are in overdrive, but maybe that's one factor that caused the Fibromyalgia.  I have suffered from a headache all day today, and I'm guessing it's because a snowstorm is in the area, or something else is happening that I am unaware of.  I get pains before rain or on a cloudy day, like an old person.  If one of my boys has a headache, even many miles away, I often get one too. 

I have high anxiety, and am suseptible to depression.  I cannot be in the same room when violence is on the TV, and I have to turn the volume down when the program gets loud.  I have stopped watching anything with too much drama or excitement and stick to shows that make me laugh. 

I think Fibromyalgia is a disorder that is ahead of it's time, although it has been around for a long, long time.  I say that because we have not studied enough about sensitivity in people, and it seems that one common mark of Fibromyalgia patients is they are very sensitive to stress of any kind, and changing conditions.  Doctors like symptoms that make sense, but sensitivity is not easily seen in a person.  We get diagnosis's that make us feel like we are nuts, but maybe we are just more sensitive than the common person. 

I'd like feedback on this from other people who have Fibromayalgia, if you were considered a sensitive child, or seem to be more sensitive to things as an adult.
Maybe we will find answers together and won't feel so alone in our strange sensitivities.

The Heating Pad

I have a love affair with my heating pad.  I go through them like runners go through shoes.  I use it first thing in the morning, then after my shower, then before lunch, then after lunch; basically about ten times a day.  I heat it for 2 minutes and it brings me a half hour of relief. 

I can't remember when I started using it, or where I got my first one.  I created some myself for a while, and enjoyed the creative outlet, but it ended up too hard on my back to do much sewing, so I eventually realized I would have to break down and buy them.  It's actually my microwave and heating pad that have the affair because without the microwave, my heating pad is useless, and without the heating pad, the microwave doesn't mean a thing to me. 

This may be a silly thing to you, but we all find something to help us cope with our burdens.  Maybe a cigarette or a drink helps you calm down, or for some people, it's exercise that settles their mind.  I can't drink because I take too much medication, although there are times when I long for a beer, and just the smell of one brings back a smile.  I don't smoke since I figure I have enough problems, and my husband takes care of the tobacco world well enough.  Exercise does not make me feel good, even if I could motivate my aching body to do it, and pain pills, though helpful, are not a magic solution. 

But my heating pad is my ever faithful friend.  I can put it on any part of my body that hurts, and the warmth make me feel better-whether on my knee, my back, my neck, my foot, even my stomach if needed.  Wherever the pain wants to wander, I can counter it with heat.
 
I would love to live near a swimming pool, or heated jacuzi, but I live in a small town a half hour from such luxuries.  Some day I hope to get my own hot tub, but for now I depend on the heating pad to comfort me.  It eases the stiffness and matches the pain with heat. 

I guess before microwaves they used electric heating pads, which are not so helpful, and dangerous to boot.  Before electricity, I imagine  they warmed water over the wood stove, but maybe not because it was probably considered wasteful.  So I'm thankful that I live in this age where I can get warm, lasting comfort in two minutes.  Maybe in a few years they will have something better, or shall I dream the impossible dream-a cure for Fibromyalgia???

“Funny that a pair of really nice shoes make us feel good in our heads - at the extreme opposite end of our bodies.” ― Levende Waters

SPASMS

The past couple years I've had to deal with spasms, mainly in my back, but also in my rib cage area and legs.  This started immediately after I had an automobile accident when we were hit from behind by a logging truck. 

I did have Fibromyalgia before the accident, but there are some people who get Fibromyalgia after a bad auto accident.  So the shock of a major trauma does play a part in the mystery of where this disability comes from.  I've discovered a website that talks about getting Fibromyalgia from falling off horses, and I've fallen off a lot of horses when I was younger since I was raised with them.  I also fell out of a hayloft, on my head hitting a concrete floor, and had a near-death experience with a drowning incident when I was about 5.  So any or all of those things, or something else entirely may have released Fibromyalgia into my life.

When the truck first hit us, I was of course in shock, never seeing it coming.  I wasn't driving, but it hit harder on my side, breaking the back of my seat.  We managed to get out of the crumbled car, and before I knew it a police officer was asking me how I felt.  That was the first time I realized my neck felt strained.  (Whiplash)  Thank God, our Protective Father in heaven, that my daughter, who was driving, was not severly injured.  (She also had mild whiplash, but has since recovered.) 

They put me in an ambulance to take me to a hospital to get checked out, and that's when the worst spasms of my life began.  They were so bad, the ambulance crew wanted to call another ambulance to bring medication on route.  But I just wanted to get it over with, so we went straight to the hospital about 20 miles away without stopping.

I can't remember much about that night, but I was released from the hospital with powerful doses of medication, and what appeared to be a fractured rib.  It will be two years from December 27th, and my body still remembers by going into automatic spasms when I move slightly different than it wants me to.  I can't control them, nor can I stop them, but I am learning to live with them. 

I've learned they are like hot flashes (another story, another day), that come when they want, make you totally miserable for a few moments, then slowly fade away.  I've been told to take extra calcium, or to drink more water, or to take more salt, or to take muscle relaxers.  I've tried them all, and the spasms do not quit. The only thing that helps me get through them is to relax as much as possible, stopping all activity, and sometimes breathing through them like a contraction.  I guess that's what they are anyway.

These last few weeks the spasms have been much more common and intense, so I'm wondering if it's because it is so cold out, (Did I mention I live in Wisconsin?),  or maybe because it is getting close to that time of year when the accident happened.  If anything, I am amazed at how our body tells us what is going on, even if we manage to block it out with our mind.  My body is saying, lighten up, take it easy, be gentle with yourself.  It's a rough time, so find joy when you can, and be at peace.  May you all do the same.

"I am who I am with whatever shortcomings."  John Boy on a Waltons episode when he realized he didn't fit in on his first day at college. 

On the Positive Side

Because I am deeply spiritually rooted, I believe that everything has a reason, and that includes having Fibromyalgia.  I'm sure that there will be plenty of negative things to say in the future, but for tonight I am going to focus on the positive side of Fibromyalgia. 

I've learned lessons that I would never have taken time to learn, or incorporate in my life.  For instance, I was born prematurely with an impatient spirit.  Fibromyalgia has literally forced me to slow down.  I've grown patient, realizing that I can't make things happen, even if my mind thinks so.  I've had time to re-evaluate and contemplate, gaining patience and understanding with MYSELF when I can't do the things I used to.  And that has given me a better understanding and patience with others as well.

I've learned to be content with less-than perfection.  I can't have a spotless house, or a fancy dinner party, because I don't have the energy, so I've learned to let those things go to a point.  I've learned to ask for and allow others to help me, and that has deepened my close relationships and I appreciate them so much more.

I've had to trust God to accomplish the things that I can't.  I've had to trust Him for my shelter, my food, my clothes, my family's needs, and everything else.  So my faith is much stronger than if I could do this myself.
I have seen miracles because of this faith, and am grateful that I had a chance to see them.
 
My world is smaller because I don't get out so much, so the things in my world are bigger.  I love my three cats and my big puppy dog.  We understand each other and are on the same level, simply because I spend more time with them than anyone else.  I love my Avon customers who come to my door instead of asking me to deliver orders.  I love my husband who comes home from work and sometimes has to do my work too.  I love my little house and my green mailbox and my little rock garden.  This is my world where I can control my environment, and relish the soft bed when my body hurts, and feel the comfort of warm slippers when my feet are cold. 

I have a vision of what Fibromyalgia is to me.  I'm a little yellow Volkswagon (Bug), on the right side of a busy highway, and all these expensive, fast cars are whizzing by me.  They are heading off to work or meetings or where ever they go, but I am just puttsing? along enjoying the view.  I've been forced to stop and smell the flowers, and I even have time to take pictures of them.

I sometimes think how nice it would be to go to a job, or travel, or have an adventure.  But it doesn't do any good to think about things like that right now, so for the moment, I am deciding to enjoy my life as it is, and do the best I can with what I have been given.  I guess that is good advice for all of us.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.”
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Grandchildren

I have two grandchildren, ages 7 and 5.  It was so exciting when the first one was born, and I opened up my entire heart to him.  But very quickly I learned that a modern grandparent is supposed to babysit, not for hours, but for weekends.  Even with my older kids and husband helping out, it was exhausting and, I was down for two days to recover.
 
Fibromyalgia does not recover from things like a normal person would.  I might be able to do what needs to be done at the time, but it is the next day and day after that tells the real story.  Imagine a worn out mattress spring that no longer bounces back when pressed. 

I love my grandchildren with all my heart.  But my energy level is not enough to watch them by myself at all, and even with help, I can't do it for more than a day.  I envy other grandmothers who take their grandkids shopping, or play with them, or bake cookies with them.  I'm only 52 and I can't do that anymore. 

My body puts out signals to let me know when I am overstressed.  It might be a migraine, or an irritable bowel flare up, or my back spasms.  The difference between Fibromyalgia and depression is that you WANT to do things, but your body won't let you.  There is only one solution to maintaining peace within yourself and that is to say NO. 

If you have children, or grandchildren, and are able to spend time with them, enjoy every moment.  I only live 11 miles away, and yet it is like 1,000 miles away since I can't get too involved with them.  I try to let them know how much I love them when I get a chance, and it hurts me to not see them as much as I would like to.  I get tired of explaining why I can't take my own grandchildren, so it looks like I am distant and uncaring.

If you know someone who is like this I hope you will think twice before judging them.  It may be that they think you will not understand, and maybe you wouldn't.  I look like a normal person.  I can walk and talk.  And when I feel bad, no one sees me because I hide in my house and lock the doors.  I even have an OPEN or CLOSED sign on my door for my Avon business, which helps me control my environment.

I don't want attention for having Fibromyalgia, but I want attention given to Fibromyalgia.  When it comes between a grandmother and her grandchildren, you then see the silent destroyer within.  God bless our grandchildren, and the grandmothers who love them.

Fibromyalgia in the Night

Today is December 14th, early Tuesday morning at 12:57 AM.  I am always surprised when I see that it is already the next day, because in my mind it is still night.  But that's because I am a night person.  I don't know if Fibromyalgia has anything to do with it or not.  I have always felt better and more energetic at night, even as a young teenager.  And mornings were always misery, but of course not as bad as they are now at 52 years old. 
My husband on the other hand is of course a morning person.  By morning, I mean that he gets up at 4 or 5 in the morning by choice.  The only way I see that kind of time is if I stay up all night, but I force myself to go to bed at the latest by 2:00 AM. 
I'm not going to get into a lot of stuff about Fibromyalgia this first time, because you will get plenty of that later.  I want to set one thing straight-I am not writing this to complain, but to give you a real-life example of what it is like to live with Fibromyalgia.  The first thing you will notice is people with Fibro do not sleep well at night.  Doctors have tried different sleep medications on me, but I do not like any of them personally.  All of them leave me groggy and I end up sleeping even later and getting less accomplished during the day, but some are worse.  I do take an anti-anxiety medication prescribed by my doctor once in a while, but that also leaves me with hangover-like feelings.  I take it when I know for sure that I am too wound up to sleep at all.  I usual get about 2 to 4 hours of sleep at night, then I loosen up with a heating pad in the morning and fall asleep for 1 to 2 hours, then back to bed if needed until 11 or noon.  That is my "sleep" schedule. 
So, you will most likely find most of my posts are written at "night", although it will probably really be early morning.  I would love feedback, questions, comments, or anything in general, but if it is criticism, please be gentle.  Thanks!