"Legally Disabled"

On July 14th, 2005, upon the advice of my best friend, I applied for disability.  It was after one of our "talks" and we both knew that my health wasn't getting any better.  I was frustrated from all the consequences of being sick, because it was affecting my family as well as myself.  She thought it would be wonderful for me to get disability so I could have a better life.

Little did we forsee that over 5 years would pass before a judge in another state on a TV monitor would make the declaration.  Meanwhile my health, mental state, and finances deteriorated after a major car accident, cancer, my mom getting cancer, three devastating moves, and my father's death.  The judges final verdict of "legally disabled" on January 18th, 2011 came small, uneventful, and quietly.   

There will be no backpay from 2005 as I'd been told in the beginning, so it equals no financial gain to be disabled.  Plus my husband still works, so I'm not sure that there will be any future gain since this is a "needs based" program.  My only hope is that I can get health insurance for less that what I'm paying now since that has become my most important priority. 

I have a lot to say about the disability system after being a participant in it for 5 years.  I've formed an opinion of judges, lawyers, courts and legal assistants as well.  But at this point, I'm afraid to say anything because this system has knocked me down hard with it's cold, uncaring, legalistic loopholes and I'm afraid what I have will be taken away from me. 

I don't know who originally thought up the idea of giving disabled folks help, but somehow I don't think that what we have today is what they meant.  I have seen people who are much healthier and wealthier get disability while others who are worse off than me suffer from negligence. 

One thing I have seen is that those who have been well enough to work at good jobs are definitely the ones who get it faster and they get more financial benefits.  But the ones who are too sick to work, and don't know all the rules and are too poor to hire good lawyers are the ones who are ignored the longest if they get it at all.

I tried to stay positive, but I'm very depressed by all of it.  To be declared disabled is not an award I wanted to win when I started out in life.  Since the "award" I've not had any relief from pain, sickness or collector's calls.   

I'm trying to stay low and see what happens.  I realize that we don't have a perfect government, but it is sad when you lose hope in your government.  I love my country, and by that I mean the people, the suffering, the outcast, the ones who keep going after getting knocked down, and the ones that really do help others.  I love the land and the water and the air of my country, and that is suffering as well.   The pain of our land, water and air is a reflection of the sickness of it's people and the priorities of it's government.

Tonight, I find it hard to encourage you, but if you can do one thing to help another person, an animal, or a tree, do it.  If you are strong, speak out for many, write for many, care for many.  That's our only real hope is that we have enough light inside us to still shine for something other than ourself.   

"All the great things are simple,
and many can be expressed in a single word: 
freedom; justice; honor; duty; mercy; hope."
.....Winston Churchill

Feeling Useful

I've just finished putting in my Avon order for the night, and it's a satisfying feeling.  I LOVE the Avon company, and my customers/friends.  I have a team of recruits that I cherish with all my heart, which has been an unexpected blessing. 

I'm certainly not rich in financial gain at this point with my Avon business, but it has given me something far beyond riches.  It has given me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.  Especially on these dark January days when motivation competes with depression, and creativity competes with fatigue. 
I encourage you to find something that makes you feel useful, and don't worry if it makes money or not.  We need creative activity, no matter what our physical capability.  Avon makes me feel like I have something to offer others, and gives me hopes and dreams for my future. 

I have limits on what I can do, not just from Fibromyalgia, but also because I have severe hearing impairment, and I have anxiety from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It's easier to find what I can't do than what I can do.  But that's not the attitude that is going to get me up in the morning. 

When I wake up the first thing I'm aware of is screaming pain and a heaviness that seems to hold my body down in the bed.  But then, as I slowly come to life, I think about what I wrote down the night before on my morning letter (a different blog coming up).  That tells me that I might have a customer coming by today, or orders to put in, or maybe the UPS is bringing my orders today.  So I get some heat on my back and pills to working on the pain, and start my morning prayers, all the while considering how much time I have before I must deal with the day's business.

If you don't have something in your life that gives you a feel of self worth, then reach deep into  your heart and ask what makes you happy.  We must stay positive.  There is no other choice.  It's not a risk to make yourself happy.  It's a risk not to. 

Letting Go

I was actually not trying to think of a motto for the new year, but as I wrote in my journal, this one seemed to come from heaven straight to me, and maybe by sharing it, others will find inspiration too. 

I will let go in 2011  

I think that people are afraid to let go because they will have an empty space, and they are not sure what will go in there.  That's why they say replace a bad habit with a good habit.  But I think I need some empty space for my creativity to work better. 

I want more fun this year, and freedom.  But in order to have that, I must let go of some things.  I wrote down a list of things that people might want to let go of, and this is what I've come up with:

Let go of ANGER
Let go of SHAME
Let go of  PAST HURTS
Let go of UNNECESSARY OBLIGATIONS
Let go of GUILT
Let go of OLD ROUTINES THAT NO LONGER SERVE ME WELL
Let go of the WRONG PEOPLE
Let go of MATERIAL CLUTTER
Let go of BAD HABITS
Let go of ANXIETY
Let go of RUSHING AROUND NEEDLESSLY
Let go of CLOTHES THAT I DON'T NEED, WEAR, or WANT
Let go of INHIBITIONS
Let go of OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS
Let go of USELESS FEARS & THOUGHTS
Let go of LACK OF FAITH
Let go the word "CAN'T"
Let go of OLD MINDSETS THAT HOLD ME BACK
Let go of SELF-DEPRECIATING WORDS & THOUGHTS
Let go of UNHEALTHY IMPULSES

There are some on this list that I can relate to more than others, but I thought of as many as I could for all of us.  I will keep the good memories, the good thoughts, the good people and the good clutter, but this year I'm going to work on letting go because I seem to have a hard time with that more than keeping things. 

I know it won't be an overnight change, and perfection will never happen, but at least I can strive for these things, and I think if I keep this in front of me, maybe next year I will be better.  Even if ONE of those things gets off the list, imagine what a difference it would make!  I believe I will keep this handy to check on once in a while so I can see my progress.

Let's all let go this year and give ourselves more time, space, freedom, and joy.

"What you get by achieving your goals is not as important as what you become by achieving your goals."-- Zig Ziglar