"TREADING WATER"

I'm trying to learn to do better with what I have, so  I picked up a book written by Julie Morgenstern called "Making Work work".  Even though I don't officially have a job, I do tinker in business at home, and I have watched her on a video about organization and loved her personal, make-sense style, so I figured if she wrote a book, I wanted to read it.  I'm still in the beginning of the book, and already I am impressed.

I took the test in the beginning and given the total points I scored, I was in the category "Treading Water" and close to "Drowning".   How did she know?  I don't even have a job and yet the description fit:  "You feel under constant pressure and stress,..."  Then it gave instructions on what parts of the book to read to find relief.  A quick skim of those chapters immediately showed me my errors-I'm not taking time to have fun and do things I love!  Why is this lesson so hard for me?  I have ended up in hospitals with total breakdowns and EVERY TIME came out with the same prescription.  Do something fun!  Stop being so serious and feeling guilty and enjoy your life!

I think it's hard for me now especially because I have so little time during the day to accomplish what I want to do.  OK, I know that everyone has the same amount of time, but what I mean is I need more rest and recovery and must make allowances for Fibromyalgia.  So when I can do things, usually a couple hours most days, I feel like I need to be doing important things like paying bills, improving my business, doing some kind of cleaning, etc.  IMPORTANT THINGS.  I don't have time for the unimportant things I love like painting, taking pictures, writing, singing, spending quality time with family, date nights, etc.  UNIMPORTANT THINGS.

We'll get to that in a minute, but to finish my original thought, Julie Morgenstern's point is when we are constantly working, we get burned out, tired, unmotivated, lose creativity, friends, family and health, which of course in the long run, this affects our work.

When I look at my brief list of IMPORTANT THINGS, I almost laugh because these might be necessary at certain times, or preferable to have done, and there should be a time and place in my life for them, but are these things really so important that they should take precedence over my so-called unimportant things? 

BALANCE, balance, BALANCE, balance, BALANCE!

I think one of the problems is I have the wrong labels.  Instead of calling them important or unimportant, I think I need to see them as equally valuable in different ways.  Because obviously all the things I listed as unimportant feed very important parts of my life-my soul, my loved ones, my health...

I realized that I have a guilty place in my mind that says something like "you need to be working every spare minute."  I don't know if I got it put there as a child, or from something I decided by myself at an early age, but it's a message that is hard for a Fibromyalgite to bear.  How can I enjoy my life when there is so much work to be done!  Is this what an A type personality is?

I wonder if other people feel this way, but with me, when I sleep late, I feel guilty.  When I can't function for the first two hours in the morning, I feel guilty.  When I stay up late I feel guilty.  When I desperately need time to lie down I feel guilty.  Where is all this guilt coming from? 

I remember asking my Dad if he ever knew anyone who had Fibromyalgia, and he thought for a minute and said, "You know, _____ always told us he had something like that, but we all thought he was just lazy.  But now that I know more about it, I think he might have had it." 

I appreciated my Dad's honesty, because that's exactly what many people think, and some people even think that Fibromyalgia is a made-up excuse to be lazy!  Because it is what is known as an "invisible illness" (you can't see it) people don't know I have Fibromyalgia.  From the outside looking in, it could very well look like I am lazy.  I get up late, don't do anything till afternoon, don't clean my house, or work outside the home, and I accept some help from the government.   But on the inside, I know I am doing the very best I can each day, every minute.

Fibromyalgia is the best and worst teacher I've ever had.  I spend more time thinking and praying than anyone I know.  I'm learning that no matter whose fault it is, if I let myself get upset, I will pay the price, so I'm learning to rein in my temper-not easy for a passionate woman!  If I overdo trying to clean my house to impress someone, again, it is me who pays the price.  If I get stressed and anxious at trying to be perfect, it is me who gets sick.  I might want to wear fancy clothes and high heels to impress others, but I'm the one who will feel the pain.  If I do ANYTHING to impress or stress for someone else, I lose. 

Of course doing things for my kids or husband, or taking time to comfort a friend when I just want to lie down is worth the cost.  And there are some things we do for others that actually refresh us, like charity work or going somewhere with my grand kids, etc.  But there is a difference in doing good things for certain people, and doing things to IMPRESS people.

I guess that's the biggest lesson.  If my mind, body, and soul are working together, then I'm doing something right.  If I am hurting, it's time to re-evaluate and ask is it worth it.  Prioritizing who and what are most important to me and then balancing my time and energy to those priorities and everything else will just have to wait. 

I think Fibromyalgia is as much a spiritual situation as it is a physical ailment because when people first realize they have it they want to fight it and get back to "normal".  But as I get older, the lessons I've learned have slowed me down and made me think and brought me to my knees-exactly where God wants me.  Dependent on Him, doing it His way.
 
"What’s most important hardly ever feels urgent. We have to make a choice to live differently and with purpose."
------Holloy Gerth